Fort Mill, SC — Fort Mill Mayor Danny “Sloth” Funderburk is at the center of a controversial spam email implying that Senator Barack “Husatan” Obama is the Antichrist, the antagonist in the book of Revelation, the Left Behind series of novels, and other works of fiction. Funderburk, affectionately referred to by his friends as “Thunderburp” for his ability to burp the entire Revelation of St. John, claims that the email he circulated was intended as research. He stated that he was merely “curious if there was any validity” to claims that Obama is the Antichrist. However, according to anonymous sources, Mayor Funderburk’s motives appear to be more calculating than reported by other news media outlets. Sources suggest that the Antichrist spam is merely a diversion from a more embarrassing story.
Political Hacker has obtained photographic evidence that suggests Mayor Funderburk is actually “Sloth” from the movie “The Goonies”. Sources report that the acting credit given to John Matuszak as Lotney “Sloth” Fratelli was actually a cover story to protect the identity of the hideous Funderburk. Director Richard Donner released an understatement, saying “Danny was a rather awkward boy with a big heart. We decided it would be best to protect him from certain cruelty if the public discovered that Sloth was a real boy.” Sources say that John Matuszak did in fact audition for the part of Sloth, but couldn’t remember his lines. Matuszak was dropped for Funderburk, who was discovered under a bridge in Fort Mill, SC by a talent scout casting the part of Rocky Dennis for the movie Mask, also released in 1985. Funderburk could only grunt and name his favorite candy bar, Baby Ruth, so Eric Stoltz won the part of Rocky in Mask and Funderburk became Sloth.
Our Hollywood sources tell us that Fort Mill and other parts of South Carolina are often targets for Hollywood talent scouts looking to cast inbred, disfigured ignoramuses. The degenerative effects of multi-generational incest in the region have provided a large talent pool for monster movies and several X-Files episodes.
Mayor Funderburk wasn’t contacted for comment.