Is Mayor Funderburk Really “Sloth” From “The Goonies”?

Funderburk in makeup as Lotney "Sloth" Fratelli.

A middle-aged Funderburk before plastic surgery.

Funderburk after plastic surgery as Mayor of Fort Mill.

Mayor Sloth Funderburk dedication pumpkin.

Fort Mill, SC — Fort Mill Mayor Danny “Sloth” Funderburk is at the center of a controversial spam email implying that Senator Barack “Husatan” Obama is the Antichrist, the antagonist in the book of Revelation, the Left Behind series of novels, and other works of fiction.  Funderburk, affectionately referred to by his friends as “Thunderburp” for his ability to burp the entire Revelation of St. John, claims that the email he circulated was intended as research.  He stated that he was merely “curious if there was any validity” to claims that Obama is the Antichrist.  However, according to anonymous sources, Mayor Funderburk’s motives appear to be more calculating than reported by other news media outlets.  Sources suggest that the Antichrist spam is merely a diversion from a more embarrassing story.

Political Hacker has obtained photographic evidence that suggests Mayor Funderburk is actually “Sloth” from the movie “The Goonies”.  Sources report that the acting credit given to John Matuszak as Lotney “Sloth” Fratelli was actually a cover story to protect the identity of the hideous Funderburk.  Director Richard Donner released an understatement, saying “Danny was a rather awkward boy with a big heart.  We decided it would be best to protect him from certain cruelty if the public discovered that Sloth was a real boy.” Sources say that John Matuszak did in fact audition for the part of Sloth, but couldn’t remember his lines.  Matuszak was dropped for Funderburk, who was discovered under a bridge in Fort Mill, SC by a talent scout casting the part of Rocky Dennis for the movie Mask, also released in 1985.  Funderburk could only grunt and name his favorite candy bar, Baby Ruth, so Eric Stoltz won the part of Rocky in Mask and Funderburk became Sloth.

Our Hollywood sources tell us that Fort Mill and other parts of South Carolina are often targets for Hollywood talent scouts looking to cast inbred, disfigured ignoramuses.  The degenerative effects of multi-generational incest in the region have provided a large talent pool for monster movies and several X-Files episodes.

Mayor Funderburk wasn’t contacted for comment.

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Letter to Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina speaking at a How to Crash a Campaign seminar. Here she explains the delicacy of eating crow.

The following is a letter to Carly Fiorina in response to her recent gaffe that neither McCain nor Palin could run a corporation.  She’s expected to say that neither Obama nor Biden can run a corporation, but she evidently stepped in horse shit on this one.  Speaking of horses, Carly Fiorina walks into a bar…

Dear Carly,

I heard your recent remarks about executive experience during your appearance on the McGraw Milhaven Show on St. Louis KTRS Radio.  You stated that Sarah Palin doesn’t have the experience to run a major company like Hewlett-Packard.  You also suggested on MSNBC that John McCain couldn’t run a corporation.  Your comments obviously suggest that someone who can’t successfully run a large company can still be successful at running the United States of America with the world’s largest economy.  Your statements have obviously raised some concerns, so I’d like you to clarify your position by answering the following questions.

1. Do you consider corporate leadership abilities and government leadership abilities to be mutually exclusive?  Is it not reasonable to conclude that a person who is prepared to run a country is also capable of running a company?

2. Inversely, do you think a person who can successfully run a large corporation, like HP, can also successfully lead a country?

3. Have you learned nothing of presidential leadership in nearly eight years of the current disastrous administration?  George W. Bush was a failed businessman and, subsequently, a failed president.  Bush is an epitomic example that someone who can’t run a business shouldn’t run a country.  Hell, he’s an epitomic example of someone who shouldn’t leave the house without a safety helmet.

4. Given your failures as CEO and Chairman of the Board at HP (crashed corporate value, thousands of lost jobs, outsourcing American’s jobs, opposition to transparency, alleged illegal Iranian trade, and an overall failure of leadership leading to your embarrassing termination and excessive golden parachute), does your logic qualify you to run the United States of America?

5. You’ve repeatedly claimed that HP succeeded after getting rid of you because you laid the foundation for success.  By this twisted logic, are you suggesting that our country will soon thrive because George W. Bush has laid the foundation for success?  Only if we elect another Republican, right?

The choices aren’t so tough after all.  Anybody but McCain/Palin.

Celebrity Bobbleheads

Chuck Norris, second from right, with The Village People. Chuck was standing in for Biker/Leatherman for a recent Gaypalooza show in San Fransisco. Chuck closed the show by shooting the audience with baby oil from his powerful machine gun.

This is a letter to Carlos “Chuck” Norris, asking him to follow his party’s requests for celebrities to shut up and stick to acting/singing.  Of course, I think anybody who wants to exercise their free speech rights should do so.  I’m merely pointing out yet another example of the hypocrisy on the right, where it’s ok for them to roll out old Carlos, but celebrities with liberal views should shut up.

By the way, Carlos is Chuck Norris’ birth name, according to the ever accurate Wikipedia.

Dear Carlos,

I had the misfortune of seeing your interview with Larry King last night and noticed something peculiar, other than your ridiculous red beard and pseudo-mullet.  You appear to be the Rightists’ equivalent to the Leftists’ Rosie O’Donnell.  You both spew ignorant, incomprehensible, and pointless rhetoric; you’re both ill-equipped to give intelligent insight into modern politics; and you’re both ideological zealots.  Interestingly, the right constantly berates Hollywood celebrities for voicing their views, demanding that they stick to acting/singing and leave politics to those smart enough to string together a coherent message.

So, in case you haven’t received your party’s message, I’m requesting that you spare the public from your doltish babble and leave intelligent discourse to those fit to do so.  Please stop exposing yourself as an ignoramus and stick to what you do best: peddling cheap exercise equipment on late night television.  Washed up hack celebrities should rightfully be relegated to celebrity reality shows and infomercials.

As an independent minded voter, I’ll be voting for someone who truly puts The United States and The Constitution first, and doesn’t pander with divisive rhetoric and fake outrage.  So far, it’s not looking good for your guy and gal.

I hope ol’ Chuck doesn’t hunt me down and kick my guts out.  If so, I’ll sick Rosie on him.

Confirmed: A Pig With Lipstick Is Still A Pig

Shocking photo of Governor Sarah Palin

Wasilla, Alaska (PH) — Shocking photographic evidence has surfaced that confirms what Senators Barack Obama (D-IL) and John McCain (R-AR) have proclaimed, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

Anonymous sources, with no verifiable identification and speaking off the record, have informed a Political Hacker reporter that Alaskan Governor, Sarah Palin, is in fact a Pig Human.  The anonymous source of the photo spoke off the record, stating “I snapped this shot with a high-def camera at a slight angle.  She was hot in person, so I was shocked to see her nasty grill while uploading to PoliticalMILFs.com.  I wonder if she squeals like a pig?  Are you recording this?”

When presented with the evidence, Senator Obama questioned Senator McCain’s judgement, saying “Look, this goes directly to uh… eh John McCain’s judgement and, uh… competence.  I mean, uh… you know, he met Sarah Palin only once and, uh… his languid vetting process completely missed the fact that uh… Sarah Palin is a pig.  I mean, is this the sort of judgment and, uh… due diligence America deserves?”

Senator McCain was reached through his NAMBLA email account.  When asked if he knew Gov. Palin was a pig, he responded “I became quite fond of pigs in my years as a POW.  I was occasionally locked up in a pig pen for punishment and I became good friends with several pigs, only to have them cruelly served to me as breakfast bacon.  I didn’t have a kitchen table back then, so I had to eat on the floor.  Senator Obama doesn’t even like pigs and has no record of ever liking pigs.  I think my record speaks for itself, my friend.”

The photographer of this shocking evidence has suggested that he also has proof that Fox News comedian Bill O’Reilly isn’t merely a dick-head, but actually has a penis for a head.  He also alleges that former NY City Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, is in fact Oliver the Humanzee.  More to come on this developing story.

Evidence that Rudy Giuliani is actually Oliver the Humanzee

Letter to Focus Action’s Stuart Shepard

Letter to Stuart Shepard in response to his call for mass prayers for a flood to ruin Barack Obama’s speech at Invesco Field in Denver, Co.

Mr. Stuart Shepard,

A couple of weeks ago, you requested that good Christians (like me) pray for significant rain to ruin Barack Hussein Obama’s acceptance speech during the Demoncratic National Convention.  His perverted liberal agenda will destroy the country.  Obama wants to take care of the poor with my tax dollars; give health care to everyone at my expense; ruin our economy by ending war; give women, gays, and minorities the same rights and pay as American citizens; and rescind The Gipper’s trickle-down policies (the economy is already strong, Rush said so).  He’s not the Messiah, we all know Jesus isn’t mixed.

So, I prayed.  I prayed hard for days that rain would drown Obama and his perverted, baby-killing followers, just like you asked.  You told me to pray for a biblical flood, and biblical floods kill people, to which Noah can attest.  However, instead of drowning the liberals, I see that God has responded by sending a hurricane to ruin the blessed Republican Nationalist Convention.  Now, the hurricane is headed straight for my house!  Is God seeking retribution for my ill-intentioned prayers?  Did I sin?  I did what you asked, as always.  Did we somehow make a technical error in our prayers?

Can you ask God what’s going on and get back to me?  I’m very concerned and fear that God may have sided with the filthy Democrats.  In the mean time, I’m going to pray for a swarm of locusts to consume the flesh of the Republican delegation, and maybe a few prominent Republican politicians for good measure. Maybe that will square me away with God.

Anxiously awaiting your holy guidance.