Charlotte, NC — Conservative radio talk show host, Republican radical, and “rough justice” troubadour, Jeff Katz, asked his audience today to contemplate what would happen on November 5th if Barack Obama or John McCain wins the 2008 presidential election. Political Hacker’s crack team of political analysts have considered both cases and provided detailed predictions.
If Obama wins:
Closeted homosexual Republicans around the country will finally feel free to liberate their long suppressed desires. The mass exodus to the pink team will be a boon for divorce attorneys, the travel and fashion industries, and the gay industry (flowers, little dogs, wedding dresses, fabulous shoes, sex toys, anal lubricant, etc.), creating millions of jobs. Conservative talk show hosts, Christian ministers, and Republican Congressmen will no longer feel the need to tow the manly line, and will be free to tug the manly vine. (See photo expose below.) A constitutional amendment defining marriage as between 2 or more living things will be implemented. Women will stop taking birth control pills (it makes them feel bloated and moody) and will instead rely on cheap Walmart abortions as a fall-back plan. Men will have sex with animals, animals with women, and the legal age limit for everything will be changed to 12 to match long standing, unwritten policies in several Southeastern states.
If McCain wins:
Life will return to normal. Closeted homosexual Republicans around the country will continue their secret lives of bathroom sex, “massage therapy”, and Congressional Page Piñata. To suppress the pent up sexual and economic frustration, McCain will immediately start another war boosting the economy, propping defense contractor stocks, and creating millions of wartime jobs. Radical rightist radio pungents pundits will have nothing to complain about, will lose their angry audiences, and subsequently their jobs. These Chickenhawks will recover by being drafted into the Army to bravely “bring up the rear”, finally getting a chance to put their asses where there mouths are. The “Family Values” crowd will continue having secret affairs; beating their children; lying, cheating and steeling; harassing foreigners; hating gays, Muslims, blacks, Hispanics, women, and liberals; and, defending Xmas.
A Day at the Democratic National Convention
Original photos from Jeff Katz’s web site at http://jeffkatz.wbt.com