The Absurdity of Modern Politics

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Jeff Katz Asks: What Happens On November 5th?

In News on October 21, 2008 at 10:00 pm

Charlotte, NC — Conservative radio talk show host, Republican radical, and “rough justice” troubadour, Jeff Katz, asked his audience today to contemplate what would happen on November 5th if Barack Obama or John McCain wins the 2008 presidential election.  Political Hacker’s crack team of political analysts have considered both cases and provided detailed predictions.

If Obama wins:

Closeted homosexual Republicans around the country will finally feel free to liberate their long suppressed desires.  The mass exodus to the pink team will be a boon for divorce attorneys, the travel and fashion industries, and the gay industry (flowers, little dogs, wedding dresses, fabulous shoes, sex toys, anal lubricant, etc.), creating millions of jobs.  Conservative talk show hosts, Christian ministers, and Republican Congressmen will no longer feel the need to tow the manly line, and will be free to tug the manly vine.  (See photo expose below.)  A constitutional amendment defining marriage as between 2 or more living things will be implemented.  Women will stop taking birth control pills (it makes them feel bloated and moody) and will instead rely on cheap Walmart abortions as a fall-back plan.  Men will have sex with animals, animals with women, and the legal age limit for everything will be changed to 12 to match long standing, unwritten policies in several Southeastern states.

If McCain wins:

Life will return to normal.  Closeted homosexual Republicans around the country will continue their secret lives of bathroom sex, “massage therapy”, and Congressional Page Piñata.  To suppress the pent up sexual and economic frustration, McCain will immediately start another war boosting the economy, propping defense contractor stocks, and creating millions of wartime jobs.  Radical rightist radio pungents pundits will have nothing to complain about, will lose their angry audiences, and subsequently their jobs.  These Chickenhawks will recover by being drafted into the Army to bravely “bring up the rear”, finally getting a chance to put their asses where there mouths are.  The “Family Values” crowd will continue having secret affairs; beating their children; lying, cheating and steeling; harassing foreigners; hating gays, Muslims, blacks, Hispanics, women, and liberals; and, defending Xmas.

A Day at the Democratic National Convention

Convention Pickup Line

Convention Pickup Line: "Is that a Magnum in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

Jeff Katz outside the "Unisex" Bathroom at the Democratic National Convention.

Jeff Katz entering the "Members Only" Unisex Room. OMG, he's soooo blushing!

Satisfied "Members", Senator Harry Reid and Radical Talk Show Host Jeff Katz

Satisfied "Members" Senator Harry Reid and radical talk show host Jeff Katz after a visit to the Unisex Room. Opposites attract.

Jeff Katz Eating Rocky Mountain Oysters. Yes, testicles.

Jeff Katz eating Rocky Mountain Oysters. Yes... they're balls.

Jeff Katz Showing Off His Free Button

Jeff Katz with his favorite button.

Original photos from Jeff Katz’s web site at http://jeffkatz.wbt.com

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McCain/Palin Bumper Sticker

In News on October 13, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Bumper sticker highlights new reverse psychology campaign tactic, or strategy

New bumper sticker campaign highlights new reverse psychology campaign tactic, or strategy, they don't know which.

Washington, DC — In a surprising twist to the ever changing McCain/Palin campaign, senior advisers have decided to attempt a new tactic to win the Presidency.  Sources say that lying, race-bating, xenophobia, and moronic babbling inspired by Miss Teen South Carolina haven’t worked, so they’re going to try reverse psychology.  In response to several national polls suggesting that Obama is ahead of McCain by as much as 10 points, senior advisers have stated “We don’t follow the polls, we follow principles.”  The new bumper sticker campaign was launched an hour later.  Polling suggests that the more negative the McCain campaign goes against Senator Obama, the bigger the boost for Obama in the polls.  “Going reverse-negative is an obvious play”, said one anonymous source.

When questioned about the surprise move, McCain spokesman and all-around special guy, Tucker Bounds, stated “Surely you don’t mean to belittle Barack Obama’s community organizer experience and the great work he’s done reaching across the isle to get things done.  McCain is an angry little turd who hates America, and Sarah Palin is in a porno called Nailin’ Paylin.  Have you seen it?  Great script.”

Political Hacker will report any updates to this surprising tactic, or is it a strategy?  No one at the McCain campaign could tell us the difference.