The Absurdity of Modern Politics

Archive for March, 2009|Monthly archive page

Rush Limbaugh Dead, Long Live Rush Limbaugh

In News on March 6, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Limbaugh Dies, Anal Cyst Lives

Limbaugh Dies, Anal Cyst Lives On.

New York, NY — Political Hacker has confirmed that radio shock jock and de facto leader of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh, died on January 15, 2009 while sitting on his reinforced 20 gallon toilet. According to CNN medical correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, the estimated time of Limbaugh’s death has mysteriously been set at nearly 2 months ago, and a day before Limbaugh announced his traitorous desire for President Obama to fail. However, in a twist befitting a Sci-Fi Channel original movie, the autopsy report suggests that Limbaugh appears to have shriveled up and fallen off of his anal cyst.

The shocking medical report suggests that the Pilonidal Abcess (also known as an anal cyst, or a Rush Soar) that kept the timid, bed-wetting young man out of Vietnam was actually a misdiagnosed conjoined twin. Dr. Gupta has thoroughly examined Rush’s remains and hypothesizes that, “For many years, the ‘anal twin’ has evidently continued to grow inside the shell of Limbaugh as the weaker Rush struggled to maintain control. Eventually, the original Rush lost the battle and simply fell away”.

When asked for his non-medical opinion, popular television celebrity, Dr. Phil, suggested that Rush’s internal battle for survival might explain Rush’s multiple divorces and drug addiction. “Perhaps Rush was simply trying to kill the pain. In this case, the pain was a dark twin that lived in his ass. If Rush or his ass aren’t happy, how can they make his three ex-wives happy?”

Anecdotal evidence supports this shocking revelation. Limbaugh’s buttoned down, man-in-black, disco king persona at the annual CPAC event is a noted departure from his more conservative cigar smoking, balloon suit stylings. Limbaugh’s increasing neck and facial fat have recently muffled his speech, and the pulpy mass appears to be splitting at the seams. Limbaugh associates have also complained recently about his distinctively sour odor.

In related news, Dr. Sanjay Gupta has withdrawn his name from consideration to serve as President Obama’s Surgeon General. Instead, Gupta has announced that he’ll be creating a 4-part series highlighting the Limbaugh Cyst, titled “Rush Limbaughs – A Duplicity of Man”.

In other related news, Al Franken is working on a new book called “Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Anal Cyst”.