The Absurdity of Modern Politics

Posts Tagged ‘obama’

Rush Limbaugh Dead, Long Live Rush Limbaugh

In News on March 6, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Limbaugh Dies, Anal Cyst Lives

Limbaugh Dies, Anal Cyst Lives On.

New York, NY — Political Hacker has confirmed that radio shock jock and de facto leader of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh, died on January 15, 2009 while sitting on his reinforced 20 gallon toilet. According to CNN medical correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, the estimated time of Limbaugh’s death has mysteriously been set at nearly 2 months ago, and a day before Limbaugh announced his traitorous desire for President Obama to fail. However, in a twist befitting a Sci-Fi Channel original movie, the autopsy report suggests that Limbaugh appears to have shriveled up and fallen off of his anal cyst.

The shocking medical report suggests that the Pilonidal Abcess (also known as an anal cyst, or a Rush Soar) that kept the timid, bed-wetting young man out of Vietnam was actually a misdiagnosed conjoined twin. Dr. Gupta has thoroughly examined Rush’s remains and hypothesizes that, “For many years, the ‘anal twin’ has evidently continued to grow inside the shell of Limbaugh as the weaker Rush struggled to maintain control. Eventually, the original Rush lost the battle and simply fell away”.

When asked for his non-medical opinion, popular television celebrity, Dr. Phil, suggested that Rush’s internal battle for survival might explain Rush’s multiple divorces and drug addiction. “Perhaps Rush was simply trying to kill the pain. In this case, the pain was a dark twin that lived in his ass. If Rush or his ass aren’t happy, how can they make his three ex-wives happy?”

Anecdotal evidence supports this shocking revelation. Limbaugh’s buttoned down, man-in-black, disco king persona at the annual CPAC event is a noted departure from his more conservative cigar smoking, balloon suit stylings. Limbaugh’s increasing neck and facial fat have recently muffled his speech, and the pulpy mass appears to be splitting at the seams. Limbaugh associates have also complained recently about his distinctively sour odor.

In related news, Dr. Sanjay Gupta has withdrawn his name from consideration to serve as President Obama’s Surgeon General. Instead, Gupta has announced that he’ll be creating a 4-part series highlighting the Limbaugh Cyst, titled “Rush Limbaughs – A Duplicity of Man”.

In other related news, Al Franken is working on a new book called “Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Anal Cyst”.

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Jeff Katz Asks: What Happens On November 5th?

In News on October 21, 2008 at 10:00 pm

Charlotte, NC — Conservative radio talk show host, Republican radical, and “rough justice” troubadour, Jeff Katz, asked his audience today to contemplate what would happen on November 5th if Barack Obama or John McCain wins the 2008 presidential election.  Political Hacker’s crack team of political analysts have considered both cases and provided detailed predictions.

If Obama wins:

Closeted homosexual Republicans around the country will finally feel free to liberate their long suppressed desires.  The mass exodus to the pink team will be a boon for divorce attorneys, the travel and fashion industries, and the gay industry (flowers, little dogs, wedding dresses, fabulous shoes, sex toys, anal lubricant, etc.), creating millions of jobs.  Conservative talk show hosts, Christian ministers, and Republican Congressmen will no longer feel the need to tow the manly line, and will be free to tug the manly vine.  (See photo expose below.)  A constitutional amendment defining marriage as between 2 or more living things will be implemented.  Women will stop taking birth control pills (it makes them feel bloated and moody) and will instead rely on cheap Walmart abortions as a fall-back plan.  Men will have sex with animals, animals with women, and the legal age limit for everything will be changed to 12 to match long standing, unwritten policies in several Southeastern states.

If McCain wins:

Life will return to normal.  Closeted homosexual Republicans around the country will continue their secret lives of bathroom sex, “massage therapy”, and Congressional Page Piñata.  To suppress the pent up sexual and economic frustration, McCain will immediately start another war boosting the economy, propping defense contractor stocks, and creating millions of wartime jobs.  Radical rightist radio pungents pundits will have nothing to complain about, will lose their angry audiences, and subsequently their jobs.  These Chickenhawks will recover by being drafted into the Army to bravely “bring up the rear”, finally getting a chance to put their asses where there mouths are.  The “Family Values” crowd will continue having secret affairs; beating their children; lying, cheating and steeling; harassing foreigners; hating gays, Muslims, blacks, Hispanics, women, and liberals; and, defending Xmas.

A Day at the Democratic National Convention

Convention Pickup Line

Convention Pickup Line: "Is that a Magnum in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

Jeff Katz outside the "Unisex" Bathroom at the Democratic National Convention.

Jeff Katz entering the "Members Only" Unisex Room. OMG, he's soooo blushing!

Satisfied "Members", Senator Harry Reid and Radical Talk Show Host Jeff Katz

Satisfied "Members" Senator Harry Reid and radical talk show host Jeff Katz after a visit to the Unisex Room. Opposites attract.

Jeff Katz Eating Rocky Mountain Oysters. Yes, testicles.

Jeff Katz eating Rocky Mountain Oysters. Yes... they're balls.

Jeff Katz Showing Off His Free Button

Jeff Katz with his favorite button.

Original photos from Jeff Katz’s web site at http://jeffkatz.wbt.com

McCain/Palin Bumper Sticker

In News on October 13, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Bumper sticker highlights new reverse psychology campaign tactic, or strategy

New bumper sticker campaign highlights new reverse psychology campaign tactic, or strategy, they don't know which.

Washington, DC — In a surprising twist to the ever changing McCain/Palin campaign, senior advisers have decided to attempt a new tactic to win the Presidency.  Sources say that lying, race-bating, xenophobia, and moronic babbling inspired by Miss Teen South Carolina haven’t worked, so they’re going to try reverse psychology.  In response to several national polls suggesting that Obama is ahead of McCain by as much as 10 points, senior advisers have stated “We don’t follow the polls, we follow principles.”  The new bumper sticker campaign was launched an hour later.  Polling suggests that the more negative the McCain campaign goes against Senator Obama, the bigger the boost for Obama in the polls.  “Going reverse-negative is an obvious play”, said one anonymous source.

When questioned about the surprise move, McCain spokesman and all-around special guy, Tucker Bounds, stated “Surely you don’t mean to belittle Barack Obama’s community organizer experience and the great work he’s done reaching across the isle to get things done.  McCain is an angry little turd who hates America, and Sarah Palin is in a porno called Nailin’ Paylin.  Have you seen it?  Great script.”

Political Hacker will report any updates to this surprising tactic, or is it a strategy?  No one at the McCain campaign could tell us the difference.

Is Mayor Funderburk Really “Sloth” From “The Goonies”?

In News on September 30, 2008 at 12:06 am
Mayor Danny "Sloth" Funderburk as a teenager and start of The Goonies

Funderburk in makeup as Lotney "Sloth" Fratelli.

Mayor Danny "Sloth" Funderburk as a teenager and start of The Goonies

A middle-aged Funderburk before plastic surgery.

Mayor Funderburk After Significant Plastic Surgery

Funderburk after plastic surgery as Mayor of Fort Mill.

Funderburk Dedication Pumpkin

Mayor Sloth Funderburk dedication pumpkin.

Fort Mill, SC — Fort Mill Mayor Danny “Sloth” Funderburk is at the center of a controversial spam email implying that Senator Barack “Husatan” Obama is the Antichrist, the antagonist in the book of Revelation, the Left Behind series of novels, and other works of fiction.  Funderburk, affectionately referred to by his friends as “Thunderburp” for his ability to burp the entire Revelation of St. John, claims that the email he circulated was intended as research.  He stated that he was merely “curious if there was any validity” to claims that Obama is the Antichrist.  However, according to anonymous sources, Mayor Funderburk’s motives appear to be more calculating than reported by other news media outlets.  Sources suggest that the Antichrist spam is merely a diversion from a more embarrassing story.

Political Hacker has obtained photographic evidence that suggests Mayor Funderburk is actually “Sloth” from the movie “The Goonies”.  Sources report that the acting credit given to John Matuszak as Lotney “Sloth” Fratelli was actually a cover story to protect the identity of the hideous Funderburk.  Director Richard Donner released an understatement, saying “Danny was a rather awkward boy with a big heart.  We decided it would be best to protect him from certain cruelty if the public discovered that Sloth was a real boy.” Sources say that John Matuszak did in fact audition for the part of Sloth, but couldn’t remember his lines.  Matuszak was dropped for Funderburk, who was discovered under a bridge in Fort Mill, SC by a talent scout casting the part of Rocky Dennis for the movie Mask, also released in 1985.  Funderburk could only grunt and name his favorite candy bar, Baby Ruth, so Eric Stoltz won the part of Rocky in Mask and Funderburk became Sloth.

Our Hollywood sources tell us that Fort Mill and other parts of South Carolina are often targets for Hollywood talent scouts looking to cast inbred, disfigured ignoramuses.  The degenerative effects of multi-generational incest in the region have provided a large talent pool for monster movies and several X-Files episodes.

Mayor Funderburk wasn’t contacted for comment.