The Absurdity of Modern Politics

Posts Tagged ‘politics’

Rush Limbaugh Dead, Long Live Rush Limbaugh

In News on March 6, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Limbaugh Dies, Anal Cyst Lives

Limbaugh Dies, Anal Cyst Lives On.

New York, NY — Political Hacker has confirmed that radio shock jock and de facto leader of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh, died on January 15, 2009 while sitting on his reinforced 20 gallon toilet. According to CNN medical correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, the estimated time of Limbaugh’s death has mysteriously been set at nearly 2 months ago, and a day before Limbaugh announced his traitorous desire for President Obama to fail. However, in a twist befitting a Sci-Fi Channel original movie, the autopsy report suggests that Limbaugh appears to have shriveled up and fallen off of his anal cyst.

The shocking medical report suggests that the Pilonidal Abcess (also known as an anal cyst, or a Rush Soar) that kept the timid, bed-wetting young man out of Vietnam was actually a misdiagnosed conjoined twin. Dr. Gupta has thoroughly examined Rush’s remains and hypothesizes that, “For many years, the ‘anal twin’ has evidently continued to grow inside the shell of Limbaugh as the weaker Rush struggled to maintain control. Eventually, the original Rush lost the battle and simply fell away”.

When asked for his non-medical opinion, popular television celebrity, Dr. Phil, suggested that Rush’s internal battle for survival might explain Rush’s multiple divorces and drug addiction. “Perhaps Rush was simply trying to kill the pain. In this case, the pain was a dark twin that lived in his ass. If Rush or his ass aren’t happy, how can they make his three ex-wives happy?”

Anecdotal evidence supports this shocking revelation. Limbaugh’s buttoned down, man-in-black, disco king persona at the annual CPAC event is a noted departure from his more conservative cigar smoking, balloon suit stylings. Limbaugh’s increasing neck and facial fat have recently muffled his speech, and the pulpy mass appears to be splitting at the seams. Limbaugh associates have also complained recently about his distinctively sour odor.

In related news, Dr. Sanjay Gupta has withdrawn his name from consideration to serve as President Obama’s Surgeon General. Instead, Gupta has announced that he’ll be creating a 4-part series highlighting the Limbaugh Cyst, titled “Rush Limbaughs – A Duplicity of Man”.

In other related news, Al Franken is working on a new book called “Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Anal Cyst”.

Amnesty Shamnesty: Republican Patsies And Their Email Campaigns

In Letters on February 22, 2009 at 6:15 pm

I recently received an email from a conservative friend of mine containing the above video of Lou Dobbs appropriately disparaging an absurd immigration bill making its way through Congress. My conservative Christian friend has always been relatively and uncharacteristically open-minded about politics and religion, and did not have anything politically partial to say. However, many of the respondents in the email thread had several ignorant things to say, so as usual, I had to respond.

One gargantuan absurdity to note is that the video in question was from a Lou Dobbs show in 2007 discussing a Congressional immigration bill supported by none other than Socialist-in-Chief, George W. Bush. This is a typical Republican tactic, counting on the ignorance of the people to spread false information through chain emails. The dingbat fringe is a tight-knit community and they spread misinformation like wildfire. Witness the thoroughly repugnant Mayor Funderburk’s mass email chain suggesting President Obama is the Antichrist (Is Mayor Funderburk Really “Sloth” From “The Goonies”?), or the pre-election email fraud showcasing a Cook County, Illinois prison that looked like a swank hotel (Cook County Correction Center). The selection of Cook County, Illinois was an intentional attempt to link Obama, who lived and served in Cook County, with a tax-happy, heavy-spending, prisoner-coddling liberal policy. Of course, the prison in the email was actually the Justice and Detention Center in Leoben, Austria, but the rightist patsies ate it up.

Email Recipient Comment:
“for any of y’all that voted for this bunch….take a look at this….it ain’t from Fox, either, from those of you that are pathologically repelled by that network.  It’s from that old bastion of “progressive” thinking, CNN”

In-bred mountain schoolhouse grammar aside, the comment suggests to me that the commenter is “pathologically repelled” by news sources outside of Farce News, the “old bastion” of right-wing propagandistic venom. Faux News and MSNBC are two sides of the same shallow, partisan hackery coin. Both filled with close minded ideologues who spew party talking points. The only thing “fair and balanced” about that xenophobic, homophobic, anti-Christian Klan of hate spewing racists on Fox is that they ideologically oppose MSNBC’s far left group of welfare nannies.

Now, I watch Fake News, MSNBC, and CNN and the only truly fair and balanced cable news network out of the three is CNN. Others include BBC America and PBS. Most CNN viewers know Lou Dobbs is an independent (or at least he claims to be). He is usually in the political middle, despite being considered by many leftists to be a Nazi racist on par with Sean Hannity Lector due to his immigration views. To most independents, Lou is known and Mr. Independence. Who is Faux’s “Lou Dobbs”? Who represents an opposing view to the Klan of intolerant rightists on Fake News? The one sniveling weakling on Foney News, Alan Combes, left the pit of hell for something better. Who’s “left” on Faux News? The closest thing to a fair reporter on Faux News is Sheppard Smith, and he’s taken a lot of heat from Faux’s venomous fans for attacking that embarrassing fraud of a “plumber”, Joe.

On election night, CNN had a panel of left, right, and middle political analysts who mostly stuck to the facts but made supporting comments for their respective candidates, both Obama and McInsane. Until recently, CNN hosted that sniveling faerie Glen Beck. Most of what I see on CNN is actual news, but angry conservatives take it as leftist opinion because for the last 8 years it’s been mostly bad news for rightists. Farce News and MSNBC stack their ranks not with reporters or journalists, but the political equivalents to Jerry Springer and Ellen DeGeneres. Fake News and MSNBC followers wouldn’t know fair and balanced if they had a level and a standard/metric ruler.

By the way, the bullshit claim that Fake News has the most balanced audience of Republican, Democrats, and Independents might be factually true, but it’s also contextually irrelevant. Like many Independents and Democrats that I know, I watch Farce News for the shear gruesomeness of its bloody car wreck-like appeal. I watch CNN to get the facts. Then I consume rightist and leftist content (Faux News, MSNBC, Rush “Anal Cyst” Bimbo, The Huffington Post, The Weekly Standard, Crooks and Liars, etc.) to see how both sides of the spectrum interpret the facts. However, very few rightists I know consume anything other than Faux News.

One more thing about these ignorant comments, the amnesty sham was originally championed by the ex-buffoon, Bushie. In fact, the video attached in the email was from a June 2007 Lou Dobbs show covering a Congressional immigration bill supported by the dim witted W. This email scam is yet another attempt to coax ignorant Republicans into propagating misinformation. Fortunately, the bill was defeated since it treated illegal immigrants better than American citizens, and attempted to pass the hefty cost on to tax payers, which evidently didn’t include tax-dodging illegals. It was a sick bill and offered another example of Bushie’s failed policies. But the point remains, this video and the discussed bill was a Bush-supported Congressional immigration bill, not a current Democratic- or Obama-sponsored bill (not yet, at least). Take some initiative and do a little research into the validity of an email chain’s claims.

Email Recipient Comment:
“Br’er Jeep:  For the ‘Inner Circle’ (the Oneonta-8?) lest the screams mount to the rafters.  Bre’er Prince

“democrats at work.”

Yes, Democrats are dead wrong on this issue (in my opinion). Let’s not pretend, however, that the Republican rule over the past 8 years was anything less than catastrophic. No scapegoating of the Democratic led houses of Congress for the last 2 years of Bushie’s reign. There’s something called a Presidential Veto, which is exactly why the Democrats got nothing done in those two years. Bushie didn’t veto a single bill until the Democrats took control of the House and Senate, so stop blaming Democrats for the mess we’re in. It was absolute Republican rule for 8 years, and look at the results. By the way, same suggestion about researching the claims of an email chain.

Email Recipient Comment:

Again, do most Republicans go to k-12 schoolhouses where all kids sit in the same classroom? Little House on the Prairie comes to mind. First, the bill John Boehner was angry about isn’t part of the recent stimulus package. It was a separate Bush- and McCain-supported bill from 2007 that died a quick death. “WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF SOCIALISM”? Where was all the outrage over Bushie’s TARP bank bailout? When a government buys preferred stock (e.g. acquires ownership) in several banks, what about that isn’t Socialism? George Bush and the 110th Congress did more for Socialism this century than did Spain. Bushie is just shy of Hugo Chavez, so stop with the fake outrage and reflect a little on the policies over the past 8 years. We’re already a socialist country thanks to both Republicans and Democrats. Any congressional or senate vote for TARP was a vote for Socialism. Also, where’s the outrage over the unprecedented spending over the past 8 years that our “CHILDRENS GRANCHILDREN WILL BE PAYING FOR [sic]”?

This isn’t an “OTHER PARTY” problem. There’s been plenty of Republican support for amnesty over the past few years. The majority of Americans are evidently against such sweeping, and expensive, immigration policy. Our representatives are not representing the people, but instead their own interests. This is a problem endemic to power and propagated by both Democrats and Republicans. The people should fire every single incumbent Representative and Senator for the next several election cycles to send a message that the people must be represented. Of course, the criminals on the hill will simply pass legislation extending term lengths to 10 years, so the people will once again resort to divisive political hackery.

Oh, by the way, staunch Nationalism and Christianity don’t mix. “THE SPANISH VOTE” would mean Spaniards, from Spain. I think what you mean is “The Mexican Vote”. Two totally different countries separated by an ocean. Didn’t your schoolhouse have a map or globe of the spherical Earth?

Email Recipient Comment:
“How do you spell insanity?”

Agreed, in principle. Though, insane people typically don’t know they or their actions are insane. The people who pushed this sham of a bill knew exactly what they were doing.

“This makes you wonder how bright some of these people in Congress are.”

This isn’t a case of mere stupidity. Certainly there are many ignorant, stupid, maybe even border-line retarded politicians (case in point, George W. Bush). However, the politics of power are simple matters of greed and corruption. Our representatives know exactly what the people want. Most just don’t give a crap. They’ll do what benefits them and their interests. They’ll fake outrage, spread fear and pit people against one another when election time rolls around, and most patsies will fall in line and re-elect their incumbents. There’s really nothing that will change this in the short-term since there are also far too many ignorant, stupid, maybe even border-line retarded voters out there who will perpetually maintain the status quo (case in point, the re-election of George W. Bush).

As Republican Clayton Williams said about rape during his run for Texas Governor, “As long as it’s inevitable, you might as well lie back and enjoy it.” Socialism, massive spending, bankruptcy, loss of civil rights, shredding of the Constitution, distribution of wealth (trickled up, not down), perpetual war, profiteering, federal abuse of power, and destruction of the environment are inevitable. So, bend over Americans and try to enjoy it.

Jeff Katz Asks: What Happens On November 5th?

In News on October 21, 2008 at 10:00 pm

Charlotte, NC — Conservative radio talk show host, Republican radical, and “rough justice” troubadour, Jeff Katz, asked his audience today to contemplate what would happen on November 5th if Barack Obama or John McCain wins the 2008 presidential election.  Political Hacker’s crack team of political analysts have considered both cases and provided detailed predictions.

If Obama wins:

Closeted homosexual Republicans around the country will finally feel free to liberate their long suppressed desires.  The mass exodus to the pink team will be a boon for divorce attorneys, the travel and fashion industries, and the gay industry (flowers, little dogs, wedding dresses, fabulous shoes, sex toys, anal lubricant, etc.), creating millions of jobs.  Conservative talk show hosts, Christian ministers, and Republican Congressmen will no longer feel the need to tow the manly line, and will be free to tug the manly vine.  (See photo expose below.)  A constitutional amendment defining marriage as between 2 or more living things will be implemented.  Women will stop taking birth control pills (it makes them feel bloated and moody) and will instead rely on cheap Walmart abortions as a fall-back plan.  Men will have sex with animals, animals with women, and the legal age limit for everything will be changed to 12 to match long standing, unwritten policies in several Southeastern states.

If McCain wins:

Life will return to normal.  Closeted homosexual Republicans around the country will continue their secret lives of bathroom sex, “massage therapy”, and Congressional Page Piñata.  To suppress the pent up sexual and economic frustration, McCain will immediately start another war boosting the economy, propping defense contractor stocks, and creating millions of wartime jobs.  Radical rightist radio pungents pundits will have nothing to complain about, will lose their angry audiences, and subsequently their jobs.  These Chickenhawks will recover by being drafted into the Army to bravely “bring up the rear”, finally getting a chance to put their asses where there mouths are.  The “Family Values” crowd will continue having secret affairs; beating their children; lying, cheating and steeling; harassing foreigners; hating gays, Muslims, blacks, Hispanics, women, and liberals; and, defending Xmas.

A Day at the Democratic National Convention

Convention Pickup Line

Convention Pickup Line: "Is that a Magnum in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

Jeff Katz outside the "Unisex" Bathroom at the Democratic National Convention.

Jeff Katz entering the "Members Only" Unisex Room. OMG, he's soooo blushing!

Satisfied "Members", Senator Harry Reid and Radical Talk Show Host Jeff Katz

Satisfied "Members" Senator Harry Reid and radical talk show host Jeff Katz after a visit to the Unisex Room. Opposites attract.

Jeff Katz Eating Rocky Mountain Oysters. Yes, testicles.

Jeff Katz eating Rocky Mountain Oysters. Yes... they're balls.

Jeff Katz Showing Off His Free Button

Jeff Katz with his favorite button.

Original photos from Jeff Katz’s web site at

McCain/Palin Bumper Sticker

In News on October 13, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Bumper sticker highlights new reverse psychology campaign tactic, or strategy

New bumper sticker campaign highlights new reverse psychology campaign tactic, or strategy, they don't know which.

Washington, DC — In a surprising twist to the ever changing McCain/Palin campaign, senior advisers have decided to attempt a new tactic to win the Presidency.  Sources say that lying, race-bating, xenophobia, and moronic babbling inspired by Miss Teen South Carolina haven’t worked, so they’re going to try reverse psychology.  In response to several national polls suggesting that Obama is ahead of McCain by as much as 10 points, senior advisers have stated “We don’t follow the polls, we follow principles.”  The new bumper sticker campaign was launched an hour later.  Polling suggests that the more negative the McCain campaign goes against Senator Obama, the bigger the boost for Obama in the polls.  “Going reverse-negative is an obvious play”, said one anonymous source.

When questioned about the surprise move, McCain spokesman and all-around special guy, Tucker Bounds, stated “Surely you don’t mean to belittle Barack Obama’s community organizer experience and the great work he’s done reaching across the isle to get things done.  McCain is an angry little turd who hates America, and Sarah Palin is in a porno called Nailin’ Paylin.  Have you seen it?  Great script.”

Political Hacker will report any updates to this surprising tactic, or is it a strategy?  No one at the McCain campaign could tell us the difference.

Is Mayor Funderburk Really “Sloth” From “The Goonies”?

In News on September 30, 2008 at 12:06 am
Mayor Danny "Sloth" Funderburk as a teenager and start of The Goonies

Funderburk in makeup as Lotney "Sloth" Fratelli.

Mayor Danny "Sloth" Funderburk as a teenager and start of The Goonies

A middle-aged Funderburk before plastic surgery.

Mayor Funderburk After Significant Plastic Surgery

Funderburk after plastic surgery as Mayor of Fort Mill.

Funderburk Dedication Pumpkin

Mayor Sloth Funderburk dedication pumpkin.

Fort Mill, SC — Fort Mill Mayor Danny “Sloth” Funderburk is at the center of a controversial spam email implying that Senator Barack “Husatan” Obama is the Antichrist, the antagonist in the book of Revelation, the Left Behind series of novels, and other works of fiction.  Funderburk, affectionately referred to by his friends as “Thunderburp” for his ability to burp the entire Revelation of St. John, claims that the email he circulated was intended as research.  He stated that he was merely “curious if there was any validity” to claims that Obama is the Antichrist.  However, according to anonymous sources, Mayor Funderburk’s motives appear to be more calculating than reported by other news media outlets.  Sources suggest that the Antichrist spam is merely a diversion from a more embarrassing story.

Political Hacker has obtained photographic evidence that suggests Mayor Funderburk is actually “Sloth” from the movie “The Goonies”.  Sources report that the acting credit given to John Matuszak as Lotney “Sloth” Fratelli was actually a cover story to protect the identity of the hideous Funderburk.  Director Richard Donner released an understatement, saying “Danny was a rather awkward boy with a big heart.  We decided it would be best to protect him from certain cruelty if the public discovered that Sloth was a real boy.” Sources say that John Matuszak did in fact audition for the part of Sloth, but couldn’t remember his lines.  Matuszak was dropped for Funderburk, who was discovered under a bridge in Fort Mill, SC by a talent scout casting the part of Rocky Dennis for the movie Mask, also released in 1985.  Funderburk could only grunt and name his favorite candy bar, Baby Ruth, so Eric Stoltz won the part of Rocky in Mask and Funderburk became Sloth.

Our Hollywood sources tell us that Fort Mill and other parts of South Carolina are often targets for Hollywood talent scouts looking to cast inbred, disfigured ignoramuses.  The degenerative effects of multi-generational incest in the region have provided a large talent pool for monster movies and several X-Files episodes.

Mayor Funderburk wasn’t contacted for comment.

Letter to Carly Fiorina

In Letters on September 16, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Carly Fiorina speaking at a How to Crash a Campaign seminar. Here she explains the delicacy of eating crow.

Carly Fiorina speaking at a How to Crash a Campaign seminar. Here she explains the delicacy of eating crow.

The following is a letter to Carly Fiorina in response to her recent gaffe that neither McCain nor Palin could run a corporation.  She’s expected to say that neither Obama nor Biden can run a corporation, but she evidently stepped in horse shit on this one.  Speaking of horses, Carly Fiorina walks into a bar…

Dear Carly,

I heard your recent remarks about executive experience during your appearance on the McGraw Milhaven Show on St. Louis KTRS Radio.  You stated that Sarah Palin doesn’t have the experience to run a major company like Hewlett-Packard.  You also suggested on MSNBC that John McCain couldn’t run a corporation.  Your comments obviously suggest that someone who can’t successfully run a large company can still be successful at running the United States of America with the world’s largest economy.  Your statements have obviously raised some concerns, so I’d like you to clarify your position by answering the following questions.

1. Do you consider corporate leadership abilities and government leadership abilities to be mutually exclusive?  Is it not reasonable to conclude that a person who is prepared to run a country is also capable of running a company?

2. Inversely, do you think a person who can successfully run a large corporation, like HP, can also successfully lead a country?

3. Have you learned nothing of presidential leadership in nearly eight years of the current disastrous administration?  George W. Bush was a failed businessman and, subsequently, a failed president.  Bush is an epitomic example that someone who can’t run a business shouldn’t run a country.  Hell, he’s an epitomic example of someone who shouldn’t leave the house without a safety helmet.

4. Given your failures as CEO and Chairman of the Board at HP (crashed corporate value, thousands of lost jobs, outsourcing American’s jobs, opposition to transparency, alleged illegal Iranian trade, and an overall failure of leadership leading to your embarrassing termination and excessive golden parachute), does your logic qualify you to run the United States of America?

5. You’ve repeatedly claimed that HP succeeded after getting rid of you because you laid the foundation for success.  By this twisted logic, are you suggesting that our country will soon thrive because George W. Bush has laid the foundation for success?  Only if we elect another Republican, right?

The choices aren’t so tough after all.  Anybody but McCain/Palin.

Celebrity Bobbleheads

In Uncategorized on September 12, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Carlos "Chuck" Norris With The Village People

Chuck Norris, second from right, with The Village People. Chuck was standing in for Biker/Leatherman for a recent Gaypalooza show in San Fransisco. Chuck closed the show by shooting the audience with baby oil from his powerful machine gun.

This is a letter to Carlos “Chuck” Norris, asking him to follow his party’s requests for celebrities to shut up and stick to acting/singing.  Of course, I think anybody who wants to exercise their free speech rights should do so.  I’m merely pointing out yet another example of the hypocrisy on the right, where it’s ok for them to roll out old Carlos, but celebrities with liberal views should shut up.

By the way, Carlos is Chuck Norris’ birth name, according to the ever accurate Wikipedia.

Dear Carlos,

I had the misfortune of seeing your interview with Larry King last night and noticed something peculiar, other than your ridiculous red beard and pseudo-mullet.  You appear to be the Rightists’ equivalent to the Leftists’ Rosie O’Donnell.  You both spew ignorant, incomprehensible, and pointless rhetoric; you’re both ill-equipped to give intelligent insight into modern politics; and you’re both ideological zealots.  Interestingly, the right constantly berates Hollywood celebrities for voicing their views, demanding that they stick to acting/singing and leave politics to those smart enough to string together a coherent message.

So, in case you haven’t received your party’s message, I’m requesting that you spare the public from your doltish babble and leave intelligent discourse to those fit to do so.  Please stop exposing yourself as an ignoramus and stick to what you do best: peddling cheap exercise equipment on late night television.  Washed up hack celebrities should rightfully be relegated to celebrity reality shows and infomercials.

As an independent minded voter, I’ll be voting for someone who truly puts The United States and The Constitution first, and doesn’t pander with divisive rhetoric and fake outrage.  So far, it’s not looking good for your guy and gal.

I hope ol’ Chuck doesn’t hunt me down and kick my guts out.  If so, I’ll sick Rosie on him.

Confirmed: A Pig With Lipstick Is Still A Pig

In News on September 11, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Pig with Lipstick

Shocking photo of Governor Sarah Palin

Wasilla, Alaska (PH) — Shocking photographic evidence has surfaced that confirms what Senators Barack Obama (D-IL) and John McCain (R-AR) have proclaimed, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

Anonymous sources, with no verifiable identification and speaking off the record, have informed a Political Hacker reporter that Alaskan Governor, Sarah Palin, is in fact a Pig Human.  The anonymous source of the photo spoke off the record, stating “I snapped this shot with a high-def camera at a slight angle.  She was hot in person, so I was shocked to see her nasty grill while uploading to  I wonder if she squeals like a pig?  Are you recording this?”

When presented with the evidence, Senator Obama questioned Senator McCain’s judgement, saying “Look, this goes directly to uh… eh John McCain’s judgement and, uh… competence.  I mean, uh… you know, he met Sarah Palin only once and, uh… his languid vetting process completely missed the fact that uh… Sarah Palin is a pig.  I mean, is this the sort of judgment and, uh… due diligence America deserves?”

Senator McCain was reached through his NAMBLA email account.  When asked if he knew Gov. Palin was a pig, he responded “I became quite fond of pigs in my years as a POW.  I was occasionally locked up in a pig pen for punishment and I became good friends with several pigs, only to have them cruelly served to me as breakfast bacon.  I didn’t have a kitchen table back then, so I had to eat on the floor.  Senator Obama doesn’t even like pigs and has no record of ever liking pigs.  I think my record speaks for itself, my friend.”

The photographer of this shocking evidence has suggested that he also has proof that Fox News comedian Bill O’Reilly isn’t merely a dick-head, but actually has a penis for a head.  He also alleges that former NY City Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, is in fact Oliver the Humanzee.  More to come on this developing story.

Shocking evidence that Rudy Giuliani is actually Oliver the Humanzee

Evidence that Rudy Giuliani is actually Oliver the Humanzee

Letter to Sean Hannity for John Edwards Coverage

In Letters on August 9, 2008 at 4:18 pm

The following is a letter I composed in response to the typical partisan coverage of the John Edwards depauchery story.  I’m sure I won’t be receiving a response.

I watched your show this evening, August 8th, 2008, to observe your partisan coverage of the John Edwards infidelity story.  First, John Edwards infidelity and his actions to conceal his moral turpitude is offensive to society.  Also, you are correct when you suggest that infidelity is a character issue that should be considered in a potential presidential candidate.  However, George W. Bush is an alcoholic, but you evidently didn’t hold that against him in 2 presidential elections, did you?  You, Alan Colmes, and a couple of your partisan hack guests stated that this isn’t a political issue, but several of you repeatedly made sad political comments.  You have pathetically and predictably made this a political issue.  I’m curious, how much coverage did you offer when Newt Gingrich dumped his wife after cancer surgery?  How many times has Gingrich contributed to your talk show, and other Fox News sitcoms, after his sickening behavior?  Why aren’t you covering the even more disturbing story of the Republican Missouri state Representative, Scott Muschany, who has been indicted for sexual assault of a 14 year old girl?

One more thing, you repeatedly suggested tonight that journalism is dead.  I’m glad to hear you finally state the obvious.  I’m wondering though, do you include yourself in failed journalism, or are you finally admitting that you’re not a real journalist?

Keep up the grocery store gossip and leave the real news to PBS and BBC.  Who knows, maybe one day you can move up to the National Inquirer.

I’m anxiously awaiting his response, though I’m more likely to be kicked in the balls by a llama.

10 Lines Of Questioning The Press Should Be Asking John McCain

In Questions on August 9, 2008 at 5:45 am

1. Did you flip-flop your position on offshore drilling to facilitate 10 donations of $28,500 each by Hess Corporation executives and family members to the McCain Victory 2008 campaign fund?  If not, is it just a coincidence that you received the donations days before you flip-flopped your position?  Two of the $28,500 donations came from a Hess office manager and her husband, an Amtrak foreman, who rent a home in a lower middle class neighborhood in Flushing, Queens.  Do you think campaign fraud has been perpetrated?  If so, will you return the money?

2. In 2002 and 2003, you voted to close the Enron loophole, saying at the time that “we’re all tainted” by Enron’s money.  Since then, you’ve hired former Enron board of directors member Phil Gramm (who helped pass the Enron loophole), Enron loophole lobbyist Charlie Black, and anti-price gouging lobbyist Wayne Berman.  Do you plan to introduce or vote to support legislation that closes the Enron loophole, despite your affiliation with beneficiaries and architects of the loophole?

3. The one war you were directly involved in resulted in your imprisonment for 5 years and ended in failure.  What specific experiences in your military or political career have taught you how to win wars?

4. How many aircraft have you crashed while serving in the Navy?  What’s the average number of aircraft Navy pilots crash in a career?

5. Is it typical for a bottom-of-the-barrel Naval Academy graduate — who places 5th from the bottom of 899 — to be assigned duty as an aircraft carrier pilot?  If not, did your position of privilege as the son and grand-son of 4 star admirals grant you unearned access?

6. Given your experience as a prisoner of war and your apparent support for CIA torture, do you think torture works?  Does it produce accurate intelligence?  If so, were your confessions of war crimes in propaganda tapes and signed statements accurate?  If not, what will you do to remove torture as a federally-sponsored activity?

7. Did you leave Naval service for civil service because you knew you’d never earn the rank of Admiral?  Senator William Cohen, Senator Gary Hart (both of whom participated in your weddings), Admiral Peter Booth, and Admiral John R. Batzler have suggested that you left Naval service for civil service because it was established that you’d never earn the rank of Admiral.  Do you disagree with their assertions?

8. Do you think presidential candidates’ spouses should receive media and public scrutiny?  If so, can you comment on your wife’s felonious behavior in the 1990s, when she stole prescription drugs from a charitable organization to fuel her own drug addiction?  Is there any correlation between Michelle Obama’s comment “For the first time in my adult lifetime, I’m really proud of my country…” and your comment “I really didn’t love America until I was deprived of her company”?  Are you both unpatriotic traitors, or two people who realized through significant experiences what America has to offer?

9. Given your admission of ignorance about economics and utter incompetence when attempting to answer related questions; your evident lack of general geographic knowledge of the Middle East and Europe; your confusion between Sunnis and Shiites; your mistaken time-lines of the Sunni Awakening and the surge; and, your endless flip-flops, what qualifies you to be President of the United States?  Do your many recent gaffes suggest your incompetence, or is it a reflection of your old age and decreased mental acumen?

10. Why have you decided to abandon your call to run a “respectful campaign”?  Have you become desperate to win and see going negative as your only option?  Do your trivial attack ads detract from the real issues facing our nation?